


"can i stop being immortal"

by StarlightSystem



Series: Transcendence AU [11]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Ficlet, Gen, Immortality, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightSystem/pseuds/StarlightSystem
Summary: Dipper tries to find answers on the Internet.





	"can i stop being immortal"

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a Tumblr post by "recentgooglesearches" indicating that someone had used Google to search for the phrase "can i stop being immortal".

“Hey Dipper.”

“Mabel!” Dipper yelled, jumping from his seat at the sudden appearance of his sister. “Don’t sneak up on a guy like that!”

She smirked, although there was something in her eyes that told Dipper she wasn’t entirely amused. “Can’t stop, won’t stop, bro-bro! If an old fart like me can sneak up on the _world’s most powerful demon_ without him knowing, I’m going to milk that ability for all it’s worth.”

He scowled. “Yeah, well, you got lucky.”

“Maybe I did. Whatcha lookin’ at there?” She nodded at the screen.

His face twitched. “Nothing. Nothing at all. Less than nothing, actually! The vast majority of the pixels on the screen right now are white so that’s gotta be nothing, right?”

“I don’t think Google has the answers you’re looking for.”

He floated back down into the chair and grumbled. “Maybe it does.”

“If the answer’s not in that big ol’ infinite nerd brain of yours, then I don’t think it’s in a random computer either.” She slumped over the back of the chair, in a gesture that vaguely resembled a hug. “Get any good results?”

“No, duh. Every result is about how to _gain_ immortality, and trust me, not a single one of these work. I mean, come on -” (he clicked a link, which led to an article containing a picture of different types of batteries) “who really believes that pouring battery acid in their eyes is going to help them live forever? Why would you even want to? What kind of desperate losers believe in this stuff?”

Mabel rested her chin on the top of his head. “I don’t know. Maybe no one’s desperate enough to believe it. But I bet there’s lots of people who are desperate enough to try.”

“Oh, what, so articles like this exist to suspend dumbasses’ senses of disbelief for long enough to get them to look at the advertisements on the page, is that it? I can’t believe anyone falls for that crap.”

She sighed. “What if it said that pouring battery acid into your eyes would make you _stop_ being immortal? Would you try it, even though your nerd powers tell you that it wouldn’t work?”

There was a pop, and the computer screen went black. At the same time, Dipper sprang out of the chair and swiveled to face his sister. He pointed a shaky finger at her and opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. His expression twisted through a number of emotions, and Mabel had to repress a giggle at how silly he looked. Laughter would only ruin the image of how Deep she was being.

A minute passed, and then he let himself fall limp. “Yeah. Yeah I would. And then after it didn’t work, I’d laugh to myself and say that I knew it wouldn’t work all along, and try to reassure an empty room that these tears are from laughter and not misery.”

“You’re pretty on point with the introspection today, aren’t ya?”

He grinned weakly. “No, I’ve just got a ‘big ol infinite nerd brain’ that tends to be pretty good at predicting how things are going to work out.”

Mabel shook her head, then clapped her hands to his face and squished his cheeks together. “In. Tro. Spec. Tion.” She let go, and giggled at the look of confusion on his face. “Come on, Dipdops. You wanna suspend your disbelief? Let’s go watch that tape of infomercials that Grunkle Stan filmed back in the 70′s.” She mimicked Stan’s voice. “With claims this good, you’ll have no choice but to trust them!”

Dipper chuckled. “Alright. That does sound pretty fun.” Mabel smiled, and they headed toward the attic to find the tape in question, all the while joking about the most ridiculous things they’d ever been told. As it turned out, in their lines of work as a demon and as a business owner, they’d both heard quite a few unbelievable claims.

Behind them, there was a whir, and the computer screen flickered back to life. The battery pictures were gone -- instead, the screen showed search results for “can i stop being immortal”. This time, however, there was only one result:

** _No._ **


End file.
